I care
by allynnajenkins
Summary: Post-destroy ending. Shoker romance.


The war was over. The Reapers have been defeated. The Victory fleet headed back to their home worlds. Their cities, their planets were almost destroyed, they were facing hard times for the next few years, but they we free. The price was high, they paid with blood, their children's lives, their parents and friends… But they were free.

Shepard was sitting on her couch in her cabin on the Normandy. She never had a home different than space. The stars were her home since she was a little girl and that was the only place where she felt good.

Three week have passed since their victory over the Reapers… since Anderson's death and the whole synthetic race – the Geth.

Every night since then she had nightmares - all the friends she lost, she dreamed their death over and over again, she was trying to save them and she always failed. Shepard was feeling guilty and that feeling was killing her.

Of course everybody told her that she is a Hero and that her name will be remembered forever. But she didn't felt the same way.

A few days before that almost the whole Normandy crew said their goodbyes to each other. They wanted to reunite with their families or just to go home. The hallways were deserted, the rooms were empty. There were people only in engineering – after EDI was deactivated they had to work double to keep the Normandy running.

Shepard didn't notice anyone for days. After Admiral Hackett visited the ship to congratulate her personally, her days were empty - she didn't wanted to see or talk with anyone. Going for a dinner and sleeping in her cabin were the only things she was doing lately.

* * *

Shepard wasn't all alone there. Even that she didn't noticed him for days, Jeff was also there. After the bad news about his sister and his father reached him, he saw no reason to go back to his birth colony. And according to the messages there was nothing left for anyone to go back to.

His days weren't any different than Shepard's, the only difference was that he still had his job and that job was the only thing that was distracting him from everything that he lost in this war.

He tried to talk with her a few times, he was standing in front of her door for a while and waited to get some attention but the only thing he managed to do was to get angry at her.

_"What is she thinking?! She thinks she is the only one who lost somebody!?"_

The desperation she showed was frightening him to the death, he never saw her like this before, but she never had the time to think about anything else besides the damn war.

* * *

It was time for dinner, the crew gathered themselves on the Crew deck. Every Monday they were receiving supplies from Earth, but since there was no personal in the kitchen they had to cook their own meal. Tonight it was Adams turn.

Shepard usually waited for everybody to finish their dinner and she was sneaking quietly when the dinning room was empty. Or at least she thought that there is nobody there. A few crew members loved to stay late every night, playing cards and laugh about their old war stories which everybody already knew perfectly well.

But that night was different, she never showed up and Jeff noticed that. He wondered if everything is fine and he imagined himself going up there a few times, but in the end he never managed to do that.

_"Maybe she is sleeping now, maybe she will come for breakfast."_

Sometimes he was lying in his bed for hours without getting any sleep, feeling alone despite of all his friends being there and the Normandy having become his home long ago. Sometimes he just wanted to leave and start over with his life. But now, when he had that opportunity, these thoughts frightened him.

And he was the only one who noticed that there is something wrong with Shepard. Or at least he thought so. He didn't wanted to leave her alone. Almost two years after her death on the SR1 he still felt guilty about it.

The alarm sound woke him up. It was still very early but there was 30 minutes left to his shift. He jumped of his bed, took a shower and headed to the dinning room. The others were already there. Shepard was missing again. He started getting worried and decided to go to her cabin.

When he get off the elevator he saw that the door is locked. Again.

**"Shepard?" Are you up? We are all gathering on the 3****rd**** deck for a breakfast, why don't you join us? You can get of this bed, take a shower, get something to eat… you know, just for a change."** – he tried to be funny, but again she was quiet.

**"Commander?"**

**"Yes, Joker. What do you want?"** – she responded. The door was still locked.

**"I was just wondering if…"**

**"Everything is fine. I am not hungry and I am a little busy right now. I prefer to be alone, thank you very much."**

Her voice sounded cold, but at least he was relieved that she is still alive. Jeff retreated from the door without saying anything and headed back down. He was already 10 minutes late.

* * *

Shepard was up all night. She preferred not to sleep because of the nightmares with her friends. Her thoughts were always about Thane, Legion, Mordin…Anderson.

_"If I was faster… If I reached them in time… they could be alive now…"_

That thought was with her all the time, poisoning her mind.

The hot water was running down her naked body. Her wounds were almost healed. After Lazarus Project her body was recovering much faster than before. She was looking at the scars on her face, her chest, her back and her legs. Every one of them was reminding her about the woman she once was, about the days when she was capable to inspire everybody to keep fighting. Today she couldn't see any of this in her. Today she couldn't motivate even herself.

She grabbed a towel and wrapped her body with it. She walked out of the bathroom and saw that she has new messages on her private terminal. There were twelve new messages – a few from Garrus and Liara, from Tali and Miranda.

"Mark as read."

She sat on her bed, her eyes were closing tired from the hours without sleep. The hot water managed to relax her body, she didn't even get up to wear something, she just laid back on her bed and fell asleep.

* * *

The day passed by imperceptibly for Jeff, the work was distracting him and he loved his job most of the time. He wanted to become a pilot since he was a little boy, but not just any pilot, he wanted to be the best. Nobody could dispute that he achieved his dream. He remembered the first time he shared with the other children that he wants to fly someday – they were laughing at him, mocking him. Like every child he felt terrible all day, but now that was just a memory and nothing more.

His thoughts were interrupted by the voices he heard outside the cockpit – the new supplies have arrived from Earth. That reminded him that it is time for dinner and the regular card game.

The dinning room was full of life, people were laughing and shouting. It was just like a few months ago when everybody were still there, when their future was unclear. Besides their fears Shepard always managed to find a way to keep everybody strong, she never let anybody to be desperate. She was giving hope for anyone in need even in their hardest times.

Now everybody were worried but nobody dared to do anything. Most of them even didn't know what to say, they never had to, she was the one who motivated everybody and they were always counting on her. Shepard was their rock. One thing was for certain – to them she was always "that woman". The woman who saved the galaxy. A Legend…

**"Come on, Joker, we are just about to start the game!"** –Adams shouted.

Jeff looked around the room, but again Shepard was not there.

**"Shepard?"**

**"I haven't seen her…"** – said Dr. Chakwas. The smile on her face froze, she looked at the table and she started pricking something in her plate with a fork.

The inaction of the others angered Jeff and that feeling of rage appeared again. He took a plate and water and headed to the elevator.

_"This ends now…"_

* * *

- _Commander…_ - her dream was so real.

- _We did it!_

- _Yes… We did. It's a… quite a view…_

- _Best seats in the house._

- _God… feels like years since I just… sat down._

- _I think you earned a rest… Stay with me. We are almost through this._

- _You did good, child… You did good. I am proud of you…_

- _Thank you, sir… Anderson?_

**"Shepard? Open the door. I am not going anywhere until you open this door. You have locked yourself in for two days now…"**

Shepard woke up, she opened her eyes and jumped in bed, the room was dark, only the lights from the fish tank lightened around. Somebody was banging on the door.

**"What? What's happening?"** – she reached for her Carnifex, the gun was always near her.

**"Just open the door and let me come in. I am not leaving until you do so!"**

**"Damn it, it's you."** – Jeff knocked on the door a few more times. **"Ok, ok! I'm up. Let me wear something…"**

Shepard was stumbling as she get of the bed, she put some underwear and the first t-shirt she found and opened the door. She covered her eyes from the bright light from the outside, Jeff's shouting strained her.

**"What the hell are you thinking?! Why are you acting like you are the only one who experiences something tough right now?"** - Jeff entered the room and threw the food on the table. **"If you have decided that you don't want to fight anymore, ok, but I think its time for you to make a decision … I can't stand that anymore. You are lying here all day, sleeping or whatever, you are not talking with anyone, you are not doing anything and… and… And where the hell are your clothes?!"** – Jeff blushed and turned his head away from her.

Shepard looked at herself for a few short seconds and undisturbed from her looks she looked back at him.

**"And why would you even care what I am doing?"** – her voice was cold again.

**"What?! You're crazy! After all these years you are asking me something like this? After all we've been through?"**

**"Why don't you just leave me alone, and go somewhere to do… whatever you are doing all the time? Why don't you just go somewhere and start over with your life. The war is over, you can do that anytime."**

**"I just… I just care. Do you remember the day when I was so worried about the damned ship and that become the reason for your death? I remember that day! I will never forg…"**

**"Is that why you are still here?"** – she interrupted him. **"You feel guilty? You want to "save" me? Feel free of your "debt". It's not your fault and there is not reason to think that you are. Don't let that feeling consume you…"**

**"Is that the problem?"** – his voice was relaxed now. **"You feel guilty for everything that happened?"**

**"Did you heard how the people are calling me? A "hero", a "Living legend"… Ha! How is this even possible after all that happened? After all I've done?"** – Shepard looked at the floor and made a few steps back to her bed. **"I am everything but a hero…"**

Jeff took the food from the table and sat next to her.

**"You can tell me about that, while eating."** – there was a smile on his face. Shepard took the plate and gave him a smile in return. The food was the last thing she was thinking about, even less - the thought of eating disgusted her, but now she managed to take a few bites.

**"Every night. I see them every night. I see Thane… if I was faster, maybe he could still be alive, Mordin… I think that maybe I had to be up there, not him. And what about EDI and Legion… I wiped out their entire race, Legion died in vain! If I have the chance to trade my life for theirs I will. Maybe the Illusive man was right, maybe I had to take control over the…"**

**"No! You did the right thing back then. That was the right decision, everything else was against our beliefs. Your beliefs. Against everything you fought for. People gave their lives for that, you know… Its not your fault, the Reapers have to be blamed for** **everything. And you made sure that they paid with their lives… if we can assume that they were a life form at all."**

**"If this is the truth then why? Why I don't believe it?"** – Shepard got off the bed and made a few steps to the fish tank.

**"Because you miss them. I know I do. But I also know that we did everything we could. You did it. Everybody knew the stakes, and everybody was ready to give their lives. It's perfectly normal to grieve but don't throw away everything…"**

**"Yeah… maybe you are right."**

The room was full of silence. Shepard was looking at the fish tank, but her thoughts were somewhere else, far away from here. The small lights from the aquarium were casting wonderful reflections around her.

Jeff was looking at the floor, he didn't know what else to say. At least he was relieved – he managed to talk with her about the stuff that tortured her almost a month now. He knew the feeling of guilt good enough to know that talking is not very helpful.

**"Well… I made sure that you are ok, if we can say so… I saw that you ate a little, it's still something. So… if there is nothing more I can do for you…"**

**"No, please stay."** – she didn't even looked at him.

Jeff was waiting for her to continue their conversation, but she was silent. He raised his eyes at her, he had never seen her before wearing almost nothing. Her hair was falling free under her shoulders. The smell of her shampoo was still in the air. Her body looked gorgeous and really small without all the armors on it.

He tried to drove his thoughts away and looked back on the floor, but just for a few seconds and then again he looked at her. The white t-shirt was falling freely down her body and was almost covering her butt. Her thin legs were covered in scars and Jeff was slowly studying them with his eyes. He remembered how she got every single one of them and now he found it too hard to believe how that little, gentle body managed to overcome all obstacles on its path. He always liked her, but he never even imagined that something can happen between them. For Jeff it was too hard to imagine any kind of relationship considering his physical state and the thought about Shepard was more painful than pleasant. He knew that Shepard is a strong woman and someday a strong man was going to take his place next to her. And he was not a strong man. At least not physically. Now without her armors she looked feminine and the scars were the only thing that was giving away her profession.

He felt the butterflies in his stomach when he started to imagine what could happen and now he was nervous. Shepard interrupted his thoughts.

**"Do you know, Jeff… while the war was going all I wanted was for it to be over. One way or another… just to be over and to bring peace to everyone. Now, when that is a fact, it is great really, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. What is my purpose now? That's killing me… You don't have to say anything, I am happy that you are here."** – she was looking at the dozen little fish in front of her, but her mind wondered somewhere else already.

That was the first time she called him with his real name. Maybe that was the reason he plucked courage and stood up. The next few steps felt like an eternity.

Shepard didn't noticed when he reached her, she shivered as he moved her hair on her left shoulder and kissed her neck with his lips. His warm breath stroked her skin. His expectations to be repelled disappeared when she laid her head back on his shoulder and took a deep breath. Her body bristled and her hand searched for his and gentle put it around her waist. Jeff pressed her tighter to his body and whispered in her ear.

**"Never ask me again why I care. I care… from the beginning. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you."**

Shepard turned around and looked him in his eyes. Her face was red and her eyes were misty. She put her hand around his neck and kissed him. Their kiss was deep and wet, his hands slowly moved down her back.

Shepard was pushing him back toward the bed while trying to take off his shirt without interrupting their kiss. With every second Jeff was becoming more bold and confident, he sat on the bed and pulled her near him. He lifted up the white t-shirt and kissed her belly. His fingers were moving slowly up her legs. Shepard removed his hat, threw it on her desk and ran her fingers through his hair. His hands continued to move up her legs and stopped when he reached her butt.

She placed her arm under his chin and raised his head to meet his eyes.

**"I am sorry… that I was blind for so long."** – there was a honest smile on her face.

She made a step back and took off her shirt. Her underwear was black, nothing special, but it fitted perfectly to her body. Jeff grabbed her arm and pulled her back in his lap. His kisses covered her face, her neck and her chest, his hands were shaking but they moved fast on her back and when he reached her bra his fingers tried to remove it. Shepard smiled and used only one hand to help him pass through that obstacle.

Her bra was already lying somewhere in the room and his arms moved to her breasts, which filled his hands. Shepard was pressing her body to his and took a deep breath with every push.

Jeff put his arm around her waist and tried hard to lay her down on the bed. His body rested over hers, his arms were slowly moving up her hips and when he reached her panties he felt insecure again. Shepard put her hands on his and helped him to pull them down.

Jeff stood up, his eyes was running through her naked body, he wanted to be sure he was not dreaming. Her skin was soft and already red from his beard. His fingers moved slowly over her breast, her belly and slid through her hips. Shepard shivered and pulled him back on her. Her hands eagerly took off his pants.

Her tights parted naturally in front of him and his body slowly slid between them. Jeff kisses her slowly and thirsty as he entered her, deeper and deeper with every thrust he made. His body was tense, his fingers were gripping the sheets. Shepard quietly moaned into his mouth, her tongue was dancing with his in a wet kiss. Her feet were locked around his waist and moved in synchrony with every push he made.

Her hands were moving slowly on his back, his kisses on her neck were driving her crazy and her moans were getting louder. Hearing her pleasure, Jeff tried to slow down, it was getting harder for him to control himself. When he tried to stop her legs pressed him even tighter.

**"Don't… Don't stop now."**

Even if he wanted, it was impossible for him to stop. Shepard dug her nails in his back, her body was shaking in pleasure. She pressed her face in his chest and tried to be quiet but her groaning filled the room. Jeff made a few more strong thrusts and his body trembled of pleasure as he released inside of her. He rested his body on hers, his head fell on her chest. His arms were weak already and couldn't bear the weight of his body. Shepard gently run her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead.

**"Are you ok?"** – she was smiling.

**"Are you kidding? I am ready for the second round."**

Jeff slowly stood up and laid next to her.

**"Its amazing isn't it?"** – Shepard was looking out the window above the bed. **"The stars… it's breathtaking."**

**"I know that… you have spent all of your live living on star ships, always around the military, but… did you ever considered to live elsewhere?"**

Jeff knew that he is afraid of the answer of his question right after he asked it and he looked away. He didn't know what he wanted to hear, but he also didn't wanted to lose her.

**"I already have a home."** – she reached to his face with her fingers and turned it back on her. **"We have a home."**

Shepard looked to the deep void for a long time before she fell asleep. She was thinking about the past. About what was happening now, but more importantly – she was thinking about the future. For the first time in months her mind was clear and the nightmares were gone.

* * *

Jeff could hear the alarm somewhere in the room. He jumped off the bed and started to collect his clothes from the ground.

**"What's up?"** – Shepard was awake.

**"Adams is probably furious. I had to be there 30 minutes ago."** – Jeff looked himself in the mirror, put on his hat and when he made sure that everything looks normal he left the room.

Shepard stood up, took a shower and made coffee for herself. There was a little smile on her face. Again there were new messages on her private terminal. She sat on her desk and saw that there are three new messages. They were from Garrus.

* * *

Shepard was walking fast though the halls on her way to the CIC. Part of the crew was still in the dinning room. When they saw her they saluted her and quickly moved to their positions.

Jeff recognized her steps, moving closer to him and he opened the door on the cockpit. His eyes lit up and a big smile appeared on his face. The N7 tag on her chest filled his head with adrenaline. Shepard stood before him wearing her old armor. Her hair was carefully folded back, the visor was already on its place and in her hands she was holding her old Carnifex – a gift from Mordin as a sign of trust for her.

**"Joker…"** – her face was serious.

He stood up from his chair and saluted.

**"Yes, commander."**

**"Prepare our girl for a jump. Course – Omega. Call Cortez and tell him to prepare my weapons and the shuttle. I want them to be ready when I go down there. It seems that our former allies "The Blue Suns" are causing problems again to an old friend. We leave now. Any questions?"**

**"It's all clear, commander. Welcome back."**


End file.
